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Black men intrigue me. I’ve got black friends but they’re straight and I feel awkward asking them how I can find a black guy to hook up with. I’m not looking for a relationship right now. I just want a few fuck buddies on rotation, and a black stud with a big black cock would be my ultimate pick.

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For now, I turn to porn.

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It’s happened to all of us. We’ve all been there. We’re sitting in some boring-ass meeting at work and everyone wants to fucking kill themselves just to get out of there. But then you check your phone and you see a sexy text from your boyfriend. Is it a dick pick? Of course it is. You know what that means. It’s time to excuse yourself because it’s time to send him one back from the restroom. It’s just what you do. It’d be rude to leave him hanging like that. He’s probably been watching Staxus porn.

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It’s Harry Potter’s birthday y’all! For the life of me, I cannot understand why, as a grown adult, I am supposed to give any amount of a shit about that. Yet a handful of my very good friends are going to some big birthday bash in celebration of it tonight. They invited me, but said I’d have to go in costume. I declined.

Look, I loved The Goonies and The Lost Boys when I was younger. I’d totally turn up for a party for one of those. I’d do it once and laugh about it. But this Harry Potter stuff happens yearly and is overkill.

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